Can & Can't

I think sometimes life boils down to can and can’t.

Please bear with me as I attempt to explain what I mean.

Can and can’t comes into play when there is no should and shouldn’t.

For example, when I was a senior in high school, trying to decide between U of A and ASU {and BYU, briefly} I became convinced that there was a should and a shouldn’t. I was obsessed with the idea of a “right” answer, and I did everything in my attempt to find it. I made lists and I weighed and mulled and surveyed and I prayed. I prayed incessantly. I felt sure that an answer would come; that something would happen to let me know which school was right and/or which school was wrong.

I waited.

And I waited some more.

I became frustrated, and I gave up.

{Almost}

I started praying again.

And finally, I decided to just make a choice. I decided to pick one.

I picked U of A.

And then I prayed.

And I felt good about my choice.

U of A was my should. ASU was my shouldn’t.

I have since come to view things differently. I don’t think that circumstance necessarily had a right answer and a wrong one. Maybe it had a good answer and a better one, but I don’t think there was a definite shouldn’t.

It was more of a will and a won’t.

I will go to U of A

And I won’t go to ASU.

Another example.

I like to ask for advice. When I have a problem I want to know what you think about it. I want to know what you would do in my situation. Because, let’s face, I would rather do just about anything in the world than make a decision on my own.

I don’t always like to ask for advice from those closest to me, but often I do. And when I don’t, I like to read books and quotes and scriptures, looking for advice anywhere I can find it.

In the last 30 hours, I have asked no less than 5 people {maybe more} for advice about 1 situation.

Whether or not I take their advice, is a will or won’t.

I don’t know what I should do, and I don’t know what I can do, but I generally know as they are speaking to me if I will take their advice, or if I won’t. And generally speaking, the more people I ask for advice the more advice I won’t end up taking. If I don’t like what I hear, I ask someone else. Generally.

But can and can’t comes into play when there isn’t a should or a shouldn’t, and when I refuse to choose between will and won't.

What can I handle?

What can’t I handle?

What can I justify?

What can’t I justify?

Too vague?

Let’s see.

When I was contemplating transferring to ASU this past summer, I realized {much to my dismay} there probably was no should, and no shouldn’t. There was no will or won’t. There was me, unable to justify moving back to Tucson. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I can’t move back.

I said.

Can & Can’t.

Do you see?

Figuring out can and can’t might be the most difficult for me. What, exactly, am I capable of? Even more daunting, what am I not capable of?

3 hours ago, this was my can and can’t:

I can be there for him when he needs me. I can drop what I am doing to sit in a dark parking lot with him, talking about life and pretending to be something we aren’t.

I can’t, however, pretend like that moment didn’t change anything. Because it did.

But that was 3 hours ago, and now I’m not so sure.

My can’t feels less like a can’t and more like a I don’t want to. Not exactly a won’t, not even a shouldn’t.

So.

What do I do now?