Or I am trying, anyway, which is something.
A few weeks ago at church I found this scripture:
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
And then I looked through my purse and found a scrap of paper with these notations; also scribbled during a church lesson.
“If you have hope you have nothing to fear.”
“Perfect hopes casts out all Fear.”
It is impossible to feel Fear & Love at the same time.
I have some work to do.
On the back of the scrap of paper I made two lists; The Things I Fear & The Things I Hope For.
I have some work to do. I need to perfect my hope.
A few days ago I was looking through a notebook that I used when I was in high school. I carried it to church a lot. I doodled in it, made lists and wrote letters to others and notes to myself. I found song lyrics and quotes from books, sketches of prom dresses and birthday wish lists. I also found a list of things I wanted for the Summer of 2008. Most of them never happened, and one or two of the wishes were seriously misguided, but the very first things on my lists reads “never make a decision based on fear.”
Huh.
Is it possible that I was smarter a year ago than I am now? That a year in college, living on my own, has actually made me dumber? It’s not altogether impossible, I suppose. Or maybe it’s just that this past year has made me more scared, given me more fear.
My two all time favorite scriptures are about hope and faith and trust in the Lord, and yet I still make decisions based on fear every day of my life.
“These things I have spoken unto you, that in ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
But tonight, well tonight was something special, if only just for a second. I was driving down the 202 on my way to Regan’s, window down, road ahead of me empty, music blasting, listening to this song by Steve Earle. I had been a little down when I left for her house but as I cruised down the deserted highway, wind in my hair, I took a deep breath, the earth smelled like rain, and everything was perfect. I took 4 or 5 more deep breaths, wanting to draw out the moment as long as possible. Life felt wonderful; my heart was fearless.
I am learning.
1 comment:
Isn't it amazing that something different pops out at each person, I was looking at the part that "God has given me a sound mind". I need to be occasionally reminded about that part. I don't think peeps see that in there much. Thanks for reminding me. We keep learning forever. When we think we know it all that's when there is no hope.
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