Close, But No Cigar

Dear Universe (Take Two),

I am sorry. I guess I didn’t quite keep up my implicit part of the bargain. You should know that I tried my best. My best just was not good enough this time. Hopefully it will be next weekend. I would still appreciate your help, however. I will probably need it now more than ever. I reminded myself forcefully of Bradley Chalkers today. The part where he finally gets up the courage to do his homework and then his stomach clenches tightly as he walks to the teachers desk to turn it in. So he rips it up and immediately feels better. Yeah, I feel a little like that. Thanks for understanding. I knew you would.

Yours Truly,
Kara

So. I spent this evening in ways other than originally planned. I also spent this evening thinking about that get-to-know-you game everybody loves to play; Two Truths & A Lie. I hate that game. I can never think of anything to say. But tonight I have one truth for you and one lie.

“Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I’m lying”

Some days it is difficult to decipher which is which. Today was one of those days.

The Reason We Are Friends

I was moving furniture this morning (to get ready to paint) and behind my dresser I found a lot of garbage and a lot of things I have lost over the years, most of them I never even missed. I also found a note, a note which is *anything* but garbage. A note written by my Very Best Friend, a Miss Natalie Stump. If I remember correctly (and I am quite sure that I do) this note was written during Mrs. Nicholls 7th hour AP English class, junior year of high school.



**Have you ever heard the expression Bro’s before Ho’s?

Ponder It


This just made my day.

Dear Universe,

I am pretty excited about the upcoming weeks. But I am also a little nervous. So do me a favor and help them to be as good as I am imagining they could be. I know sometimes I let my imagination run away with me but if you just do your best I’m sure that will more than suffice. And if you help me out I promise I will never rail against "the cosmos" again. Or, at the very least I will get off of your back until my good mood expires. We’ll be even, and that’s saying something. Thanks in advance.

Yours Truly,
Kara

An Evening with Ally, Noah, Andy & Dwight

I was up late last night (what else is new) getting my room ready for the makeover. I was looking for a way to keep myself distracted and made the mistake of watching the first 20 minutes of The Notebook, the best tear-jerker and arguably the most romantic movie I have ever seen.



I know.

So when I was already tearing up before anything sad had even happened, I decided it was best if I turned it off.

I watched this instead.



I just wasn’t in the mood to cry; so I decided to laugh.

What I Said & What I Meant

Time: 1:15 pm

Setting: My Kitchen; making lunch

Michael: How can you stand to still be in pajamas at this time?

Me: Pajamas are comfortable.

Michael: Yeah, but they make me feel sloppy.

Me: But I am going to work later, so I have plenty of time to be un-sloppy then.

Michael: But I would just feel like I’m not doing anything.

Me: You’re not doing anything; you’re watching TV.

Michael: But if someone came to the door I could answer it.

Me: You never answer the door.

Michael: Well if someone called me and wanted to hang out, I could go.

Pause

Me: Well if someone called me and wanted to hang out, it would not matter anyway because I have to go to work in an hour.



Which, of course, is really just code for; No one is going to call me anyway, so it doesn’t matter how long I wear pajamas.

Don’t tell Michael.

I Wouldn't Bet On It

Zero percent of me thinks this call will actually come.

{Why would it?}

But that doesn’t mean I can’t delay getting out of bed for a few extra minutes and daydream about what would happen if it did.

:)

{Hopefully I look marginally less scary than the little French girl.}

Fearless Heart

I am learning to be fearless.

Or I am trying, anyway, which is something.

A few weeks ago at church I found this scripture:

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

And then I looked through my purse and found a scrap of paper with these notations; also scribbled during a church lesson.

“If you have hope you have nothing to fear.”

“Perfect hopes casts out all Fear.”

It is impossible to feel Fear & Love at the same time.

I have some work to do.

On the back of the scrap of paper I made two lists; The Things I Fear & The Things I Hope For.

I have some work to do. I need to perfect my hope.

A few days ago I was looking through a notebook that I used when I was in high school. I carried it to church a lot. I doodled in it, made lists and wrote letters to others and notes to myself. I found song lyrics and quotes from books, sketches of prom dresses and birthday wish lists. I also found a list of things I wanted for the Summer of 2008. Most of them never happened, and one or two of the wishes were seriously misguided, but the very first things on my lists reads “never make a decision based on fear.”

Huh.

Is it possible that I was smarter a year ago than I am now? That a year in college, living on my own, has actually made me dumber? It’s not altogether impossible, I suppose. Or maybe it’s just that this past year has made me more scared, given me more fear.

My two all time favorite scriptures are about hope and faith and trust in the Lord, and yet I still make decisions based on fear every day of my life.

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

But tonight, well tonight was something special, if only just for a second. I was driving down the 202 on my way to Regan’s, window down, road ahead of me empty, music blasting, listening to this song by Steve Earle. I had been a little down when I left for her house but as I cruised down the deserted highway, wind in my hair, I took a deep breath, the earth smelled like rain, and everything was perfect. I took 4 or 5 more deep breaths, wanting to draw out the moment as long as possible. Life felt wonderful; my heart was fearless.

I am learning.

One Week

I accidentally woke up at 6:30 this morning.

I don’t recommend it.

I am still in bed in hopes that a fit of sleepiness will befall me and I will doze off until around 11 or so.

If not, I have no idea what to do with myself this early.

Here we are again. I cannot believe a week has already passed since last Friday. It feels a little unreal. My weekend is still fairly unplanned but I think I am going to spend some time with Regan today! It has been too long since I have seen her and she will be leaving me for Tucson in just one short month. We have a lot of late night “roomie” talks to get in before that time. And as much as I am going to miss her I am so glad I am not going back to Tucson as well. I feel pretty good about ASU; it just keeps getting better with each passing day. That’s something, even if there is still a lot of logistics to figure out. It’ll happen. I’m not too worried.

Other than hanging out with Regan, I have work Saturday and church Sunday. A pretty standard weekend but bound to be better than the last one.

Happy Friday.

Song Of The Day

(Until the 5:00 minute mark.)

Summertime

I am painting my room. Goodbye bright orange and lime green; hello… to-be-decided. I am leaning towards a sort of bluish/green and white combination. In my head it is fabulous. In reality it seems like an awful lot of work, and I’ve been awfully lazy these days. In fact, I think once I have finished painting instead of moving furniture back into my room, I'll just put this in the center.


This morning my mom asked me what my plans for the day were.

“I have a meeting at church at 7 pm.”

That’s it. For the entire day.

Sometimes it is good to be me.

Especially once I install my new addition.

I will lie in my hammock and listen to Billie Holiday while drinking lemonade all day long.

I better hurry up and paint before summer runs away from me.

Five

It is 5 am and I am awake in bed listening to a thunderstorm that I can only imagine is renting the world in two. It woke me after only 2 hours of precious sleep and I would be lying if I said the lightning did not frighten me at all, but this is the stuff monsoons are made of and I would not change a second of it. This is what I have been waiting for with baited breath for the past 2 months. It is finally here.

In honor of the ludicrous hour and the obliging weather I am going to make a list of 5 things that made me smile yesterday. 5 reasons my Monday was, for all intents and purposes, a good day.

1. I stayed in bed until noon. It sounds disgustingly idle, I know, but I loved it. I slept until after 11 and then staying in bed until after 12, and it was nothing but lovely. I ate my breakfast at lunchtime and did not change out of my pajamas until 4 pm. If that is not the very definition of a lazy summer day I don’t know what is.

2. It rained. Hallelujah. I have been desperately hoping for rain for weeks now and the sky finally gave in and gave me what I have been asking for. Thank you. Now that you’ve come I’m not even upset you were late. Just grateful. Monday evening’s rain was not the same variety of the one that is raging outside my window as I type. No, Monday’s rain was quick to arrive and even quicker to leave, leaving the earth smelling wonderful and the temperature perfect for hours and hours. The world is better after it rains. My world is better after it rains, and the moments right before it begins, and certainly those precious moments during. Rain and I have a very close relationship and I would not trade it for the world.

3. My first single’s ward FHE. Not a bad experience, considering. I actually rather enjoyed myself and I learned about a previously undiscovered talent. Paper Football. It’s not bragging to say that I’m good, just a lie to say anything otherwise. (!) It was also rejuvenating to be taught from the scriptures, a reminder that mine stay closed on my nightstand far too often.

4. Brule’s Rules. I won’t take credit for discovering these, or for previously knowing they existed, or for stumbling upon them. I watched at the suggestion of a friend, and I could not help but laugh at This and This and This.

5. Happy Hour. And the fact that my mom asked if any of my friends who would be going were people who drank. (We’re 19, Mom. We can’t buy alcohol at Applebees.) ‘Twas, all in all, a very fun experience, and one that once again kept me out entirely later than I planned. A perfect distraction from everything else.

Not a bad day at all. Here is hoping Tuesday also treats me well, and if it doesn’t, that I find reasons to smile anyway.

Public Enemies.

“I like baseball, movies, good clothes, whiskey, fast cars... and you. What else you need to know?”






Thank you, for keeping a promise made so long ago you probably don’t even remember doing it. I remember. It means the world to me.

Your Heart Won't Heal Right if You Keep Tearing Out the Sutures

Things stick in my head. Especially words. It makes it hard for me to be as forgiving as I know I should be, as I know I must be. If I have met you, I will most likely remember. If you have said something to me that meant anything at all, whether good or bad, I will most likely remember. This means I have the bad habit of drudging up things from the past and throwing them in your face when I am hurt. I am not making a special effort to remember, it’s just that the words stick in my head. If you said something on accident and it hurt me, I will remember. When we would fight he would sometimes say That’s not what I meant. Forget I said that. And I would always reply I can’t. Kind of a defeatist attitude, I realize, but so far I have yet to master forgetting. I am able to forgive (again, not as easily as I should) but it is the forgetting part I have so much trouble with; words stick in my head. Words are important. Knowing this, you would think that perhaps I think twice before I speak. I understand the power of words. But I say plenty of hurtful things without thinking about how they might affect others. I think this is why I love writing so much. I say the wrong thing, I delete it, I erase it, I tear it up. I have all the time in the world to word my thoughts in the manner of my choosing.

More than 3 years ago I read Life of Pi. I read the majority of it while I was home sick in bed with a 103 degree fever, and yet so much of it stuck in my head. So many passages I fell in love with. So many quotes I think about often.

“To choose doubt as a philosophy in life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.”

"'If you stumble at mere believability, what are you living for? ... Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What’s your problem with hard to believe?'"

There are two passages in particular that have been stuck in my head today. One about fear, the other about goodbye. Fitting, I would say.

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread."

“What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell… It’s important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.”

When I copied that final passage into my notebook 3 summers ago, sitting at the airport, waiting to board my airplane, I thought it was all over. I was convinced I had botched the farewell because I never had the chance to say it. I thought it was the end. But it wasn’t. It turns out that a goodbye was not necessary. It still hasn’t been, 3 years later. So maybe the goodbye I feel cheated out of this time is not necessary either. Or maybe I am refusing to participate because I am hoping to be lucky twice, to once again save myself the pain and despair of letting go of something I am absolutely not ready to be done with. Either way, I do not feel the need to rush. Not now. Tomorrow I might. I might wake up tomorrow morning longing to say goodbye. But I doubt it. I know myself better than that.

And since I wanted to post this picture two weeks ago, but my camera was lost at the time, I will post it now.

Consider it a small farewell. A way to avoid the real thing.

Fire & Ice

If love is friendship set on fire I cannot help but wonder which piece you were missing, which piece I was missing, and whether they were the same.

it worries me how easily you get scared.

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. They dye has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ!

I won’t looks back, let up, slow down, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk with patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, divided, or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won’t give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, and paid for the cause of Christ. I must go until he comes, give until I drop, preach all I know, and work until he stops me. And when He returns for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear!"

With The Sun

I woke up with the sun this morning. It would be so convenient to say that it feels like a fresh start, a “new” day, and that it feels like things are going to be different. It doesn’t. It feels likes things are going to be exactly the same; horrible. But they’re not. I would be so easy to let this run the same course as always; but it won’t. I am going to make sure things are different. It might seem like an insignificant distinction but to me it makes all the difference in the world.

I am on about 1.5 hours of sleep right now, at best. If I had it my way, I would not be writing this. But I am writing because once I read something that said “Keep writing. Keep doing it and doing it. Even in the moments when it's so hurtful to think about writing.”

I loved that. So that is what I am going to do.

Signs, Detergent, & a Not-So-Subtle Metaphor

I have this shirt.



My mom thinks it might be trying to *tell* me something.

Yep. You heard that right. My mother thinks my shirt is a sign.

Or rather, my behavior every time I wear my shirt is a sign.

It’s not.

But I will tell you about it anyway.

I was wearing said shirt a couple of months ago even though at that point I still had no idea if I was going to ASU or U of A in the fall. I put the shirt on and said offhand, “I will alternate between wearing my U of A and ASU shirts and whichever one I feel better in will be the school I go to.”

You following?

It was dumb logic, obviously, but it was also a joke.

About two minutes later I *somehow* managed to spill chocolate all over my ASU shirt. My mom said it was a sign.

I threw it in the washer.

I wore it again not too long after that and once again mysteriously got chocolate on the shirt.

My mom laughed. And said it was a sign.

I threw it in the washer.

Every time I wear my ASU shirt I spill on it. Every single time. Including today.

And every single time my mom happens to be standing close by.

She always thinks it is a sign.

It should be noted however, that I spilled on my U of A shirt last time I wore it.

My mom remarked that maybe I am not meant to attend school at all.

I tend to think it is a sign I should not be allowed to handle food anymore.

But that’s beside the point.

The point is this.

My ASU shirt always comes clean. Always.

I am inclined to think this might be an even more important sign.

I might totally screw things up, over and over again, but it will always turn out okay. I will get another chance. This decision is not the be-all end-all of my life.

Either that, or we have really good detergent.

Advice From Adele and Irving

Yesterday I spent a hot languid afternoon with Adele and Duffy.

It was charming.

Then David and I cooked ourselves some dinner (he did the fajitas and I made the guacamole) and watched So You Think You Can Dance (mostly for me) and Star Wars(mostly for him).

While Adele was Chasing Pavements I thought about my dreams and my future and whether the two have anything in common. The other day I was asked why I want to be a teacher. And it was not the incredulous I-can’t-believe-you-want-to-do-that type of question (I don’t think). It was more of a mild curiosity (I think). I did not immediately have an answer, which did not worry me in the slightest (I swear). I genuinely feel I have chosen the right major for me.

I love school. As much as I complain about it and dream about graduation day there is no escaping the fact that school has always been my thing. Always. And more than that, I adore reading, am enamored with writing, and would love to do the two for the rest of my life. Hence, high school English. It’s not exactly rocket science. I hope to be able to help a bunch of bratty teenagers who could not care less find the magic in a piece of literature. Or at the very least, be able to write about literature intelligibly. I remember the first time I read To Kill a Mockingbird and The Catcher in the Rye and Life of Pi and The Kite Runner and Pride and Prejudice and Invisible Man. They all broke my heart, they brought tears to my eyes, and they made me question my world. And they continue to do it over and over again, whether I am reading or not. Someday there is going to be a student out there who will find the beauty in the written word just like I did. And I will be there to watch. And I understand that this is all very idealistic of me. I walk what is (for me) the very thin line between idealism and cynicism. Today I choose to lean to the side of hope.

So there is my future. Hopefully. Now what about the other half?

I am a writer. It might not always translate to paper, but I have a writer’s soul.

“The way you define yourself as a writer is that you write every time you have a free minute. If you didn’t behave that way you would never do anything.” -John Irving

I am still working on it, but I am slowly getting there.

And if I am going to go Chasing Pavements maybe something will come out of it someday. I don’t think it is that absurd of an idea.

Pretending

“Somehow, it was hotter then: a black dog suffered on a summer's day; bony mules hitched to Hoover carts flicked flies in the sweltering shade of the live oaks on the square. Men's stiff collars wilted by nine in the morning. Ladies bathed before noon, after their three-o'clock naps, and by nightfall were like soft teacakes with frostings of sweat and sweet talcum.”

I cannot fight the elements anymore. It is time to revel in the Harper Lee-esque atmosphere created by the summer heat and think of myself as glowing rather than sweaty.

All that’s need for a glamorous life is a vivid imagination.

If June Cleaver Had A Blog

Today is errand and chore day which also means it is blog day! I am sorry to report that I work almost 10 hours less this week than I did last week, but I will have to bravely solider on. So, for my day off I wanted to get a jump on things so I started my chores relatively early. I began with laundry because I like doing laundry. I really like doing laundry, if you want to know the truth. I doubt I would feel the same if I had to wash clothes that did not belong to me but I very much enjoy washing my own clothes, restocking my own closet, and getting to choose what I want to wear from my entire wardrobe (not whatever happens to be clean, like I have to do most of the time). I also started my 2009-2010 FAFSA. (I know, I know, I am a little more than very late. But still months and months earlier than last year.) I have done as much as I can do without parental help so I had to push that chore to the side for the time being. I am also currently waiting on a car so I can drive to the bank to make a deposit! I love making deposits. I even love the word deposit these days. I cannot wait to finish these 3 tasks because when I do I get to cross them off my To-Do list, and I love crossing things off To-Do lists almost as much as I love doing laundry. Once I am done with all of this, I will (probably) start cleaning my room.

I know.

I am being so productive today. The only, should we say, off-putting thing about this moment is the fact that right now I feel like one of those homemakers who spend her whole blog talking about laundry and to-do lists. Now, of course I would never go so far as to say there is anything wrong with that; it is just so not me. I feel like any second now I am going to start waxing poetic about the deliciously sinful chocolate cake I made Friday night. I might even post a picture of it.



I know.

Who am I?



Almost.

As of Late

Here’s what I am thinking about lately:
How much money does it take to buy a reliable used car (when your dad is good friends with the seller)?
How much money can I possibly save before school starts?
Is there any possibility of the answers to questions 1 & 2 equaling each other?
What color should I paint my room (provided I do not move out in August)?
Will I colossally regret not moving out in August?
Where is all of my rain?
Why is summer flying by so quickly?
Why can’t I make decisions?
And
I cannot wait for July 15th!
If you have any answers to my above questions I would love your input.
Oh, and a short P.S. My Fourth of July was not a total bust. It was kind of lovely. (Here is where I would insert a picture if my camera was other than lost.)

Warning: Watch for Self-Righteous Ranting

I am researching used cars online, becoming depressed, and wondering if the two aren’t related. *sigh* I know most of my friends and Gilbert, Arizona acquaintances will take issue with this statement, but I have to say it. No, I want to say it. If your parents ever bought or have given you a car, you most likely have no idea how *lucky* you are. And yes, I am using “lucky” in lieu of another, more colorful, word. (i.e. spoiled). And before everyone gets all up in arms, I am not talking about letting you drive the family car. I drove a family car all through high school. (I know a lot of people would consider that “lucky” as well.) I am talking about purchasing a car specifically for you, or giving you a car to take with you when you move out. That is what I take issue with. And by “take issue with” I of course mean “am jealous of.” And this entire rant stems from my lack-of-car-to-drive-me-to-school frustration. So try not to take too much offense, please. I am tired, cranky, and indignant.

Silver Lining

I am still awake, although I sincerely wish I were not. Tonight was another amazing night of work. I swear this job keeps getting better and better. I am actually severely bummed that I have the day off tomorrow. And now you all think I am crazy. I don’t blame you, I know people are not supposed the love their jobs. Especially lowly food service industry jobs. But I cannot help myself :)

I must either be completely out of writing mode or living a very uninteresting life lately. I cannot thing of a single thing I would consider “blog worthy.” Hmmm… Perhaps if I lower my “blog worthy” standards I will be in better shape, although if I am being completely honest with myself I know those standards are already pretty low.

Every day I find myself marveling at how quickly summer is passing by; we’re almost half way done. (Over half way done for my little bros. Poor guys.) Sometimes I start to stress out when I think about how I will be completely starting over at ASU this year. I will have to reorient myself to the campus and to the ASU grade system and website. I will have to make new friends and get used to cheering for the Sun Devils instead of rooting against them. I will have to adjust to life without late night Regan talks (I am already having to deal with this and hating it). I will have to find the good places to study and the fastest routes and the best/cheapest food on campus. I will have to move into a new ward and visit teach new girls and meet new institute teachers. And I will have to do this all while stressing about money for rent (possibly) and food (possibly) and tuition surpluses (definitely) and a car/gasoline (probably.) I would be lying if I said I was not scared, and I would be lying if I said I was not excited. But I am definitely looking forward to the rest of summer lasting as long as possible.

Summer has been nice so far. I love summer, but my favorite part has yet to show up. Not a single monsoon, not a single drop of rain in weeks and weeks. I am starting to get antsy. Monsoons make the Arizona summers bearable, and even enjoyable, for me. Without them it is just hot and more hot. But at least for now it is lazy-summer-day-hot, and not rushing-late-to-class-hot. There is a silver lining on these thin non-rain clouds. If only Krystal were here she could tell me what kind of clouds I am talking about. Too bad it is 2:30 in the morning and even Facebook is letting me know that no one else is awake. Here is hoping that sleep comes soon; and if not, here’s hoping I will have enough Arrested Development discs to last me until morning. Silver lining. I did it again. Not bad for this time of night.

Work & Independence

I feel like I spend most of my time either working or waiting to go to work these days. I would be lying if I said I didn’t love it however, for 3 reasons. 1) My job is awfully fun. 2) The money is exceptionally good and 3) I need to save as much as possible if I am ever going to buy a car or be able to move out. It will certainly take awhile to get there but I am hoping beyond hope that I can get there eventually. Last night I spent some much needed time with Natalie and Krystal and we spent about 40% of the time talking about our jobs which made us all feel ridiculously old. We made up for it by spending approximately the other 60% gossiping. It all evened out in the end.

After Saturday David and I will be 0 for 2 when it comes to spending the Fourth of July together. I am especially bummed because he will be gone and once I get off of work it will most likely be too late to drive out to Phoenix to join my family at my Grandma’s house for fireworks and fun. So it looks like I might be spending the fourth by myself on my parents couch. Happy Independence Day, right?