P.S.

"I ask that my testimony of the Book of Mormon and all that it implies, given today under my own oath and office, be recorded by men on earth and angels in heaven. I hope I have a few years left in my “last days,” but whether I do or do not, I want it absolutely clear when I stand before the judgment bar of God that I declared to the world, in the most straightforward language I could summon, that the Book of Mormon is true, that it came forth the way Joseph said it came forth and was given to bring happiness and hope to the faithful in the travail of the latter days.

My witness echoes that of Nephi, who wrote part of the book in his “last days”:

“Hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, . . . and they teach all men that they should do good.

“And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye—for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day.”14

Brothers and sisters, God always provides safety for the soul, and with the Book of Mormon, He has again done that in our time. Remember this declaration by Jesus Himself: “Whoso treasureth up my word, shall not be deceived”15—and in the last days neither your heart nor your faith will fail you. Of this I earnestly testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Jeffrey R. Holland

I will read this every day until Saturday. Maybe it will give me courage.

Disclaimer For My {Future} Behavior

This is my "to-do wall". It encompasses approximately the next 9 days, not including work. It also does not account for the time I will be spending in class. Just looking at it makes me want to throw up. I do feel marginally better now that everything is written down though. I feel like I have accomplished something, plus everything seems more manageable this way; less scary. I am worried, however, that I have forgotten something. If it's not on this wall, chances of it getting done are very slim. Chances of me getting everything done that is on the wall are very slim. And as much as I am dreading writing the four {yes, FOUR} papers I have to write in the next week, there is something much scarier on one of those post-its.

Something not homework related.

Something church related.

Here's what happened.

1) Today in church we watch Holland's talk from conference. {Watch here and here} It was our last meeting of the day, and it left me feeling super excited about church and about sharing my testimony. {Just like last time.} I felt inspired. And then I went to tithing settlement.

2) While talking with the bishop, he asked how I was liking the ward. I told him that it was okay, but I sit by myself every week. {That was a big mistake. Now I am going to be fellow-shipped.} He responded by nicely asking me if I would attend the proselytizing activity on Saturday morning.

3) What I said was "I would be too nervous!" What I am wishing I said was "No, thanks." He told me that he was nervous when they went last month too, and that we would just be knocking on doors, inviting people to temple lights, and giving them a survey. Temple lights are harmless enough {my words}, and he assured me that no one was mean last time, so inexplicably, I said yes. Yes, I will go knocking on doors in an attempt to make contacts for the missionaries. Yes, this Saturday morning will find me sharing my testimony with complete strangers. Yes, I will {hopefully} find some way to get past this mind numbing fear. Yes, this will be a good experience... question mark?

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I know I have shared this scripture before, but humor me. It's a favorite. I also know the Book of Mormon has done nothing but bring peace of mind and safety for my soul, so why should I feel so incredibly nervous about potentially sharing that knowledge with others?

Answer: I shouldn't. And even if I do, I won't let that get into the way.

About Last Night.

It is weird to use the term "break-up" when I was unaware I was in the type of relationship where a break-up was possible until it was happening. But break-up we did. It was definitely a new experience for me. In a weird way it is nice to know that these things are possible sans crying, a hallow pit in my chest and stomach, and an overall feeling that makes me want to die. In fact, I learned these things can happen with lots of laughing, good conversation, hugging, and friendly/playful touching.

In other words, it went well.

{Too well?}

I had this crazy idea that if and when this thing ended the confusion would also end. But this is me we're talking about, and if there is anything think about, I will "over-think" about it.

So...?

So.Excited.

I have been waiting for this day for a long time.

That was then:


But things are very different now:


It's going to be a good day.

Life Is {Not So} Good Today

Homemade fudge, wheat thins, sparkling cider, and a Say Yes to the Dress marathon with my mom. An okay end to an otherwise crappy day.

Song Of The Evening (So Tell Me Darling)

Does anything more need to be said?

Life Is Good Today

I love Thanksgiving because it is such a lazy day for me. I didn't help with any of the cooking, and I didn't help with any of the clean up. I drove and ate and talked and read Vanity Fair and slept. And that's about it. And I love the Friday after Thanksgiving because once the shopping is over, Lazy Day, Part II commences. Only this time I get to eat leftovers, which is infinitely better than the original Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm thankful for a lot of things this year. But I know you don't care to read them in the same way I don't care to write them all down. But right now I am feeling fat, happy, and drowsy, so I thought I'd acknowledge the day.

It was nice. And relaxing. And lazy.

Only one person was missing, but I'll see her soon enough.

And now it's time to call it a night.

P.S. It is officially the holidays. I can stop apologizing for listening to Christmas music, and I have started a tally for each time the movie Elf is on our TV. So far the count is two. {Two separate TVs at the same time.} Don't you just love this time of year?

Step One.

Today at church we did the obligatory, Go-Around-The-Room-And-Name-One-Thing-You're-Thankful-For. After a minute or so I decided that I would say that I am thankful for school, because lately I have been feeling anything but. As of late school has basically been the bane of my existence, and I expend way too much time and energy cursing the entire educational institution. As I was thinking, however, I remembered President Hinckley's 6 Be's and how the first one is Be Grateful. And how I am pretty sure we are supposed to be grateful for every.single.thing. in our lives. Including opportunities that not everyone else has {aka higher education} and trials that will eventually make me a better person {aka higher education}. I also thought about a conversation I overheard in relief society, which went something like this.

Girl 1: Have you registered for next semester yet?

Girl 2: No. I'm not sure if I'm going to school next semester. I kind of want to drop out and just go to MCC and take joke classes.

Girl 1: {Insert reaction I cannot recall because I was so engrossed in Girl 2's comments.}

Girl 2: Yeah, and {boyfriend} is not helping. He's really encouraging me to dropout!

Girl 1: Really? He wants you too?

Girl 2: Yeah. He says he would love it.

*****

Um, what?!? At the risk of not only sounding judgmental, but of definitely judging this girl and her boyfriend, I never want to be like that. I never want to be with someone like that. So this Thanksgiving I am going to make an honest effort to be thankful for this ridiculous thing called college.

I've Been Thinking (I'm A Joke That You'd Probably Enjoy)

If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be too cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.

-Annie Dillard

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

-Helen Keller

Disney Songs Hold All the Answers

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming 'Get a Grip Girl!'
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out!


Hope your weekend is fabulous! And I hope mine is too.

Distracted.

I have been forgetting everything left and right these past few weeks.

It appears I am finally collapsing under the weight of the semester. Last Saturday I showed up to work 50 minutes late because, well, I "misremembered" the schedule. The week before that I showed up with the wrong shoes on because I forgot to change. Late Sunday night I remembered that I had a Geology exam the following morning. I also remembered that I had two online Geology quizzes due the Friday before {which needless to say were never completed.} Yesterday in SPE I sat down in class and only remembered we had homework due as the professor was instructing us to turn it in.

But for some reason, none of these things are getting me down.

It is hard to stress about life when I get to stay up until 4 in the morning watching a meteors rain through a gorgeous sky with new and old friends. Or when I get to drive out to Tempe to spend the night with the girls in Rosewood, laughing uncontrollably as it continues to get later and I continue to leave my homework untouched in my school bag.

I'm having trouble worrying about my grades when past experience has taught me they are going to be fine.

It seems pointless to let myself be unhappy when Thanksgiving is next week.

It is silly to dwell on the past when I am excited about the future.

Hopefully I will figure out a new system for next semester. But if not, this one is working pretty ok, too.

Elder Packer > English 241.

Yesterday, at 11:50, Elder Allan F. Packer was scheduled to speak at the institute. Yesterday. at 11:50, I was scheduled to be in my English 241 class. So, of course I made the decision to go to class, and I felt pretty good about it. As I parked in the institute parking garage, however, and saw boys walking into the building while simultaneously pulling ties out of their backpacks and putting them on, and girls changing into heels in their cars, I became pretty jealous. I considered going anyway, but convinced myself not to because I was in jeans and a t-shirt. I walked all the way to my class, sat down, and started talking to my friend, who will hereafter be known as Mormon Boy {despite the fact that it took me months to figure out he was Mormon, and sometimes the fact still surprises me.}

Me: I am so mad I have to be here instead of at the institute.

Mormon Boy: What's happening at the institute?

Me: Elder Packer is speaking.

Mormon Boy: Let's go.

Me: Really?

Mormon Boy: Yeah, why not?

Me: It's church dress.

Mormon Boy: Oh...

Me: Yeah.

Mormon Boy: Let's go anyway.

Me: Ok?

So we got up and left class, well after nearly everyone else had sat down {except for the professor, thankfully.}

On the way there, I mused out loud what the professor would say if anyone told him we were there and then left. He pointed out that professors build allowed absences into class, because sometimes they understand that you just need to not go to class. Plus, this would be more productive towards eternal salvation in the long run. And really, how do you argue with that logic?

It turned out to be a really helpful talk for me. It was all about making decisions, which anyone who knows me well can attest that I am the absolute worst at. I took plenty of notes in my journal {which was slight awkward, what with Mormon Boy sitting right next to me and most definitely reading over my shoulder} and hopefully I will be able to work on the suggestions Elder Packer made. The thing that hit me the hardest was when he said that we need to not only decide what we want to do and who we want to be, but also to take the time to envision it. Take the time to envision your life. Then, when it comes time to make an important decision about a career choice or something else life altering {cough: marriage :cough} picture in your mind where that decision will take you, and then compare it to the picture of the life you have already envisioned for yourself. If the two line up pretty well, it's probably a good decision. If not... you might want to rethink some things.

It just made so much sense while he was talking, and I couldn't help but think that if I had that advice a year ago, and I had not been too stubborn to listen to it, things might be very different for me right now. I mean, they might be exactly the same, but I just loved the idea. He also pointed out that Moroni 10:5 does not solely apply to questions regarding the truth of the church, but for questions regarding any aspect of life. I never looked at it that way before. I definitely will now, though.

So, in the end, I have learned that ditching class is certainly healthy every now and then. Especially when the alternative is listening to a man of God.

Kind of Like An Adult

It's basically a weekend night for me because I don't have school tomorrow OR Thursday.

I know.

Now I just need to find something fun to do, and someone to do it with.

The.End.

P.S. I got my credit card in the mail yesterday, and I felt almost like a real adult. Maybe we can have some fun with this?!

'Maybe' Pretty Much Always Means No

Maybe one of these days I will decide I want to start writing in here again. Maybe one of these days I will start thinking of interesting things to say, or life will slow down enough that I will stop making lame excuses not to write. Maybe I will stop deleting everything I write under the pretense that it is not good enough.

A very big part of me hopes that happens very soon.

Have a good week!

I Am So Restless.

Tonight I put on my running shoes for the first time since I participated in Race For The Cure on my birthday. And it was a solid two months since I had them on prior to that. Sometimes I feel like I am so busy, and other times, like today, I can't find enough ways to fill my time. By 3 o'clock this afternoon I had finished my homework, attended class, met up with Krystal on campus, gone to the bank, and filled up my car with gas. Since then I have been napping, cleaning, sitting around, and sighing impatiently. In a desperate attempt to get out of the house I grabbed my running shoes and iPod and took off. It helped, but 2.25 miles can only last for so long, and now I am home again with nothing to do.

I need more friends. Or, in reality, I need more friends who live in Gilbert. That way I wouldn't have to sit at home by myself on slow nights like this. And maybe I wouldn't have to sit by myself at church every.single.week. That would be ideal.

Take Four

This officially marks the fourth time in 2 days I have sat down and attempted to write something. At first I was shooting for something worth reading, but that has quickly degenerated into an attempt to find words that are even worthy of being written down. At the moment I am 0 for 3, so we'll see how far I get into this before I hit the delete button in frustration.

I woke up early this morning to finish a take home midterm, and then immediately went back to sleep and slept through my first two classes. I am so tired I don't even feel like I am present on campus. I am basically a zombie in class, and if it weren't for the fact that my car feels so far away I would be spending this break taking a nap instead of doing this. I don't know why I am so exhausted. Halloween was great, but it's not like I partied that hard or stayed out until dawn. When I remark how tired I am in class {or slump over in my seat, nodding off, as the case may be} someone invariably looks at me and says "busy weekend?" I nod yes, which is then followed by "so did you totally destroy your liver too?"

No.

"I didn't drink, I'm just tired."

Oh.

It's been enough to garner a few confused shrugs.

It was a great weekend, however {sobriety and all}. My third attempt at a recap post of the holiday simply looked like this:

Halloween 2009 > Halloween 2007 + Halloween 2008

Not exactly a genius equation, granted, but still entirely true. I had the opportunity to spend time with the girls in Tempe, dress up {in my boots and a leather skirt!}, see Regan for the first time in over a month, AND dance the night away with some creepy strangers; so basically it was fantastic.

On an unrelated note, life is progressing along nicely, and by that I mean flying by so quickly that I don't even know what date it is most of the time. I cannot believe October is already gone, and we're at the "beginning of the end" portion of the semester, finishing up last assignments before talk of finals begins. I have never felt so disconnected from school in my entire life as I have this semester, but even within that I have grown to absolutely love attending my two literature classes. Sometimes, especially in Early American Literature, I find myself unable to stop smiling simply because the discussion is making me near giddy. I'm not surprised, however, as American History and English have always been my two favorite subjects. This class might just be a match made in scholastic heaven. And I am more than ok with that.