In Case You’ve Been Wondering Where I’ve Been

I have not been writing much lately.

Why is that, you ask?

Well, here’s the thing. Usually I write at night before I go to sleep. It occurs to me that maybe I like to write at night because that is when I am the most exhausted, the most reflective, and the most vulnerable. I have less of a filter at 1 in the morning than I do at noon, and in order to keep this writing thing going I have to be willing to let go of the filter that tells me that I shouldn’t let complete strangers into my world.

Writing typically gets my brain whirling, however, which is why it takes me so much longer to fall asleep on the nights when I spend even just a few minutes committing my thoughts to paper. Once I let go of my filter for all of you lovelies, however, {or even for my journal} there goes all hope for me. I have always had trouble sleeping when there is a lot on my mind. It does not matter if I am happy, nervous, excited, angry, or stressed. If I am feeling a particularly strong emotion chances are my brain will be in overdrive. I have yet to perfect the art of shutting my brain off.

And I cannot sleep unless my brain is in the off position.

And lately, I have just wanted some sleep; which is why my nightly routine over break has been perfected to let me avoid thinking at all costs. I stay up way too late watching trashy reality TV with Sister, then head to bed to read my Book of Mormon {6 days a week!} and then turn on a DVD {The Office, natch} so I can drift quickly off to sleep while my brain continues to turn to mush and I don’t have to waste precious sleeping hours stressing or even daydreaming. {Ok, maybe there is still some daydreaming.}

This is not to say I have not been participating in some serious over-analyzing. {This is me, we’re talking about.} Over the past 4 days I have been doing my thinking while on the elliptical machine at the gym at 10 in the morning, when I do not have to worry about falling asleep anytime soon. Plus, the exercise is able to release some of the frustration that gets pent up in my restless mind and body. And boy, have I been restless. Perhaps it is a side effect of my new routine. Or of an extended Christmas break of junk food, questionable TV, and an ever present attachment to my cell phone. But I am trying to snap out of it. Trying to balance the on edge feeling that grips me all day and the ennui I let take over around 11 pm or so.

I’m trying.

But for tonight, I am going to just continue to listen to this song and fruitlessly attempt to turn my brain off once again.

I am already reaching for the remote.

** It's sixteen miles, to the Promise Land, and I promise You I am doing the best I can**