Lead Thou Me On

For the second Friday in a row my English 200 class has been canceled. Instead of returning immediately home after my English 241 class I decided to take a small detour to my alma mater. Before you judge me too much for hanging out at my old high school on a Friday afternoon, however, you should know I really just stopped by my old seminary to say hi to my teacher. We visited for awhile and he talked about Seminary General Conference which had taken place the day before. I reminded him of how he made me bare my testimony without warning during April of my senior year, which for some reason ticked me off beyond belief. I guess he had “promised” me I wouldn’t have to or something, and then when he did, I was outraged. I went to the podium, bore my testimony, and then immediately walked to the back of the room, picked up my stuff, and stomped out of the building. {Not before stopping by his office to give him a dirty look, however.}When I remembered that, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself for being so dramatic and marvel at myself for being so unnecessarily upset.

“I can be stubborn.” I remarked laughing, and he just laughed even more.

I guess stubborn is an understatement.

I turn 20 in one week {which in reality means very little but in my mind means a heck of a whole lot} and I cannot help but wonder if I am every bit as obstinate as I was as a senior and high school. And then I get to stop wondering because I am sure the answer is a resounding yes.

When prompted, I let people know that my two favorite hymns are If You Could Hie to Kolob and I Believe in Christ, respectively. More recently, however, I have become fond of and even grown attached to Lead, Kindly Light, which chronicles the pleas of someone 100 percent the opposite of me. We sang it in relief society the other day and I was so touched when the song ended that I immediately copied down the lyrics into my notebook. I have since taken to looking at them multiple times a day and listening to the song every chance I get.

Lead, Kindly Light, amid th’ encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep though my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene- one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, oe’r crag and torrent, till
The night is gone. And with the morn
Those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

I think these lyrics are so beautiful to me because even on my best days I am never this good. I have never been in possession of the kind of faith and humility it requires to trust this fully. The kind of faith it requires to say: Look, I don’t need to know everything, I don’t really need to know anything, as long as I know what You would have me do next. And not only that, but I have always been of the mindset that I am going to make decisions regarding my future all by myself. Occasionally I relent, and ask for help, but usually only after months of struggle. When I sing this song I recognize so abundantly the faith I am lacking, but rather than make me sad it gives me hope. Hope that one day I can be like this. Hope that today I can be like this, even if I wasn’t yesterday and even if I am not tomorrow. And just as importantly, this song serves to remind me that it is ok that my future is sometimes one big black hole of scary. He can see everything, and that is good enough for me. Or, at the very least, it can be good enough for me, if I let it.

I guess this post is my roundabout way of saying that I am glad I had the chance to watch General Conference this weekend. I had already made up my mind not to post about it, but it seems I cannot help myself. I am sure over the next days and weeks plenty will be said about Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk, and I hope all of it is esteeming because in my opinion it really was the most powerful {and my favorite} talk of the weekend. I am sure I will post a link to it as soon as I find on, if only so I can visit it whenever I please.