Some Things about Me You May or May Not Want To Know

Sometimes I think I come across as a bad friend.

Or a thoughtless person.

Or boring.

The simple fact is I don’t like to hang out with a bunch of people I don’t really know. I don’t usually like to hang out with a big group of people even if I do know them. I don’t like to go to parties. I don’t mind being at home; I even enjoy it most of the time. I have just never been the type to go out and do something I don’t really have any inclination to do, “just because.”Staying at home, reading, watching TV, cooking, and hanging out with my family are all viable other options, even preferable ones. When he and I were together, we spent most nights watching Seinfeld on my parents couch. And I loved it. Sometimes I feel like I could have done that forever. Last year Regan and I spend the majority of our Friday nights eating pizza and watching reruns of House and Friends and going to bed early, and I didn’t mind it at all. I miss it, even. Natalie and I spent this summer eating junk food in her parent’s kitchen. It was nice. Krystal and I could sit around and gossip for hours, and we do, and I love it. Because that’s the thing about me, I have never needed more than one or two good friends. I have never been good at having more than one or two (or maybe three, during a busy year) really good friends. And I tend to click better with people who like to sit around and talk. Because truthfully, that is what I want to do most of the time.

So when someone I am not that close to asks me to hang out, to do something that does not sound like my kind of thing, I generally say no. But even with all of the practice I have had, I am terrible at say no. I say “I can’t this time,” or “I’m busy,” or “make sure to ask me next time!” And when I use that last one I do generally have good intentions. Because, hey, maybe next time they ask me to hang out I will actually want to go. On the off chance that I say yes, however, odds are that I will immediately begin thinking of a way to get out of it. That’s just the way I am. I’m sure it rubs people the wrong way, just as I am sure this post does, but I have come to accept this about myself. I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I should spend every night doing something fabulously exciting, but now I know that I prefer the way I spend my time. Occasionally, however, I feel bad for saying no too many times in a row, or I am afraid it will become obvious that I can’t possibly be that busy, or I really feel like I should get out and do something, and I say yes (and don’t back out), even if it is something totally bizarre.

So that is how I found myself waking up at 7 this morning (on my holiday from school, mind you) to drive out to the desert and shoot shotguns at clay pigeons. Yikes. Let’s just put that on my list of things that I have done and never feel the need to do ever again. I could tell the people I was with were disappointed, were confused by my skittishness around the guns (loaded or not) and were amused by my shocked face each time I shot. I guess I am glad I went, because now when people ask me to go shooting (although I’m betting these people won’t be asking again anytime soon) I can honestly say “no thanks, I don’t like shooting.” And we can be done with that.

Before I go, however, I would like to make a small disclaimer. This post is not to imply that I don’t like making new friends. I love making new friends. Just not at the risk of spending all of my time doing things I don’t enjoy, like aching from the recoil of a 12-gauge shotgun.