Google : 0 Kara: 0 (We're All Losers Here)

I recently confided in a dear friend of mine that a situation keeps arising in which I find myself continually at a loss for things to say. {Shocking, I know.} I can’t chalk this aberration up to nervousness, seeing as how when I am nervous I usually begin a discourse of unreasonable rambling without the slightest idea what I am talking about and why. So it’s not nerves, necessarily, but something is driving all words directly from my mind. It would be a little more acceptable if it were merely driving all interesting things from my mind {another phenomenon I have experienced} but no, I simply am left without words all together. My dear friend suggested that I practice what I am going to say in the mirror. Skeptical but willing I immediately went and stood in front of the mirror. Instead of thinking of clever or interesting or witty things to say {or anything at all for that matter} I began a silent examination of my face. By the time I was done, I had accomplished nothing except to heighten my self-consciousness and remove my stubborn eye makeup.

Slightly annoyed but mostly undaunted, I instead turned to Google for help, and it turns out there is no shortage of advice pages devoted to conversation starters for the socially inept. For example, searchwarp.com thinks it would be a good idea for me to get the dialogue going in said awkward situation by turning to someone and saying “Peanut butter and what?” Or better yet, asking them if they have any relatives in jail, if they are a good parent, what their favorite Cyndi Lauper song it, what their favorite Care Bear is, and if they have ever been in love with two people at the same time. Hmmm. If a virtual stranger randomly said any of these things to me I am afraid I would fix them with an incredulous stare and turn the other way as soon as I had the chance. I can’t help but wonder if these things actually work, but I am inclined to think they don’t, as I was roped into attending an FHE activity last week where we speed dated and with each new person we had a different topic to discuss. Like, if you won 30 million dollars what would you do with it, and if you could have any super power what would it be. I found it insufferable, especially when a specific guy told me he would like to be the punisher, who is apparently some kind of super hero powered by the rage he feels as a result of his entire family being murdered. What?! So then I responded that I would like to be super stretchy because I hate when I am in bed at night and realize I need to get up to turn the lights off. He did not look impressed, and neither did I.

3 minutes never lasted so long.

So Google failed me, and I am afraid I am going to have to either be content with my new status as a mute or search deep into the recesses of my brain to string together coherent thoughts if and when the situation ever arises again. And if that doesn't work, I can always rely on “Peanut butter and what?”

Cause that makes sense.