Close, But No Cigar

Dear Universe (Take Two),

I am sorry. I guess I didn’t quite keep up my implicit part of the bargain. You should know that I tried my best. My best just was not good enough this time. Hopefully it will be next weekend. I would still appreciate your help, however. I will probably need it now more than ever. I reminded myself forcefully of Bradley Chalkers today. The part where he finally gets up the courage to do his homework and then his stomach clenches tightly as he walks to the teachers desk to turn it in. So he rips it up and immediately feels better. Yeah, I feel a little like that. Thanks for understanding. I knew you would.

Yours Truly,
Kara

So. I spent this evening in ways other than originally planned. I also spent this evening thinking about that get-to-know-you game everybody loves to play; Two Truths & A Lie. I hate that game. I can never think of anything to say. But tonight I have one truth for you and one lie.

“Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I’m lying”

Some days it is difficult to decipher which is which. Today was one of those days.

The Reason We Are Friends

I was moving furniture this morning (to get ready to paint) and behind my dresser I found a lot of garbage and a lot of things I have lost over the years, most of them I never even missed. I also found a note, a note which is *anything* but garbage. A note written by my Very Best Friend, a Miss Natalie Stump. If I remember correctly (and I am quite sure that I do) this note was written during Mrs. Nicholls 7th hour AP English class, junior year of high school.



**Have you ever heard the expression Bro’s before Ho’s?

Ponder It


This just made my day.

Dear Universe,

I am pretty excited about the upcoming weeks. But I am also a little nervous. So do me a favor and help them to be as good as I am imagining they could be. I know sometimes I let my imagination run away with me but if you just do your best I’m sure that will more than suffice. And if you help me out I promise I will never rail against "the cosmos" again. Or, at the very least I will get off of your back until my good mood expires. We’ll be even, and that’s saying something. Thanks in advance.

Yours Truly,
Kara

An Evening with Ally, Noah, Andy & Dwight

I was up late last night (what else is new) getting my room ready for the makeover. I was looking for a way to keep myself distracted and made the mistake of watching the first 20 minutes of The Notebook, the best tear-jerker and arguably the most romantic movie I have ever seen.



I know.

So when I was already tearing up before anything sad had even happened, I decided it was best if I turned it off.

I watched this instead.



I just wasn’t in the mood to cry; so I decided to laugh.

What I Said & What I Meant

Time: 1:15 pm

Setting: My Kitchen; making lunch

Michael: How can you stand to still be in pajamas at this time?

Me: Pajamas are comfortable.

Michael: Yeah, but they make me feel sloppy.

Me: But I am going to work later, so I have plenty of time to be un-sloppy then.

Michael: But I would just feel like I’m not doing anything.

Me: You’re not doing anything; you’re watching TV.

Michael: But if someone came to the door I could answer it.

Me: You never answer the door.

Michael: Well if someone called me and wanted to hang out, I could go.

Pause

Me: Well if someone called me and wanted to hang out, it would not matter anyway because I have to go to work in an hour.



Which, of course, is really just code for; No one is going to call me anyway, so it doesn’t matter how long I wear pajamas.

Don’t tell Michael.

I Wouldn't Bet On It

Zero percent of me thinks this call will actually come.

{Why would it?}

But that doesn’t mean I can’t delay getting out of bed for a few extra minutes and daydream about what would happen if it did.

:)

{Hopefully I look marginally less scary than the little French girl.}

Fearless Heart

I am learning to be fearless.

Or I am trying, anyway, which is something.

A few weeks ago at church I found this scripture:

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

And then I looked through my purse and found a scrap of paper with these notations; also scribbled during a church lesson.

“If you have hope you have nothing to fear.”

“Perfect hopes casts out all Fear.”

It is impossible to feel Fear & Love at the same time.

I have some work to do.

On the back of the scrap of paper I made two lists; The Things I Fear & The Things I Hope For.

I have some work to do. I need to perfect my hope.

A few days ago I was looking through a notebook that I used when I was in high school. I carried it to church a lot. I doodled in it, made lists and wrote letters to others and notes to myself. I found song lyrics and quotes from books, sketches of prom dresses and birthday wish lists. I also found a list of things I wanted for the Summer of 2008. Most of them never happened, and one or two of the wishes were seriously misguided, but the very first things on my lists reads “never make a decision based on fear.”

Huh.

Is it possible that I was smarter a year ago than I am now? That a year in college, living on my own, has actually made me dumber? It’s not altogether impossible, I suppose. Or maybe it’s just that this past year has made me more scared, given me more fear.

My two all time favorite scriptures are about hope and faith and trust in the Lord, and yet I still make decisions based on fear every day of my life.

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

But tonight, well tonight was something special, if only just for a second. I was driving down the 202 on my way to Regan’s, window down, road ahead of me empty, music blasting, listening to this song by Steve Earle. I had been a little down when I left for her house but as I cruised down the deserted highway, wind in my hair, I took a deep breath, the earth smelled like rain, and everything was perfect. I took 4 or 5 more deep breaths, wanting to draw out the moment as long as possible. Life felt wonderful; my heart was fearless.

I am learning.